So I'm honestly going to try to make an effort to get into my blogging again. I promise. I guess sometimes I worry that I'm going to pop on only when I need to vent or scream or cry or feel sorry for myself, and then the impression I'll be giving of me is that I'm this hopelessly insecure incapable human being, when in actuality I deal with so many things brilliantly and in clean stride. Then I start to question why I worry so much about my image, but I supposed that could be for another night of musing.
When last we left our heroine I was mourning my inability to handle a one night stand without getting attached (I suppose we'll find later what lessons, if any, we learned from that). With a regretful heart (not for my actions, but those of others) I waved goodbye to the notion I held in my heart at Christmastime and moved on to other things.
If I may inject a note: Birth Control, I've found, can do crazy crazy horrible things to a person, if put on a batch that does not compat with one's hormones. In the midst of my MOST stressful, work over-loaded and busy semester, I realized halfway through that, quite UNLIKE my usual self, I was drowning in feelings of depression, hurt and helplessness unlike I have seen in YEARS. I spent months feeling like I wasn't myself anymore and for the life of me could not figure out why. Then it dawned on me: The birth control I had begun taking in November. The minute I came to that conclusion I switched perscriptions and am noticing a GIGANTIC turn around, although I think that the semester took its toll before I could save myself.
I was facing weeks that consisted of 17 hours sitting IN CLASS, 18 hours working in the office, 10 hours of work for ONE class outside of class in reporting assignments and editting and an average of 15-20 hours at the video store only after I begged the manager to stop scheduling me 22+. On top of all of this, my apartmentmate, someone who was a very dear friend to me, decided to start hating me and making my life a living Hell because I had apparently done it all to him first, and my friends, being mutual friends of the two of us, didn't want to take sides and couldn't understand why I couldn't see all of the reasons why I deserved to be treated the way he was treating me and why I wouldn't just apologize to him. Which I did. Three times. Once by post-it note, once by IM and once to his face as he came out of his hidey hole and passed through the living room on a smoke break. And I'm not trying to gain sympathy, because I don't want to give people this sob story of "how I was so victimized" and everyone should just hate my sociopathic ex-apartmentmate on principle. That's a silly game to play. I encourage everyone to meet the guy and make your own conclusions after he's been given an honest fair chance. I just want to make the point that my semester was pretty much about as Hellish as they come. Everyone was a victim. Everyone was an enemy. Everyone screwed everyone else over. End of story. The blame lies on all of us.
That semester my ex-boyfriend also came back. My ex-boyfriend who is basically the only relationship I've had, whom I dated for about a month at which point I decided that he was worth falling for and he decided that it wasn't going to work for him. So he lied to me about why he was breaking up with me so that I would accept it without fighting or asking questions, leaving me with knowing that it was all unresolved and there was nothing I could do about it. I realized that I'm in love with my ex-boyfriend, and the real deal kind of thing, not the I'm not sure puppy love kind of thing. Which I told him when he left... Over the phone after I dropped him off at the bus station because I was too chicken to do it to his face. His response, as expected, was "I'm sorry." I'm also starting to realize that I'm in love with who he was when we were dating, which I'm still not sure if that's who he is now that he's come back...
And I wish I could say that killed it for me, but so much unspoken crap had built up during the semester that I honestly still have moments that I just feel so hurt by the entire situation and how it unfolded. And I do love him.
And just when I thought that I would never get my ex off of my mind, I go home for weekend, go to a party, meet a nice boy, hook up with said nice boy and am now stuck with him on my mind and unsure what to do about it. It almost makes me wish that I had mastered the art of a casual hook up so that I didn't always find myself doing that "girl" thing where she really likes a guy unreasonably quickly against all odds and then very mildly obessesses about what happens next (Watch the movie He's Just Not that Into You. It's eerily accurate). I wish I new why it's so easy for me to get unreasonably attached to people, I guess. It makes me feel a little skeazy... And intense...
Then you ask your girl friends for advice and get one answer and ask your guy friends for advice and get a completely DIFFERENT answer, and inevitably find you have to make your own conclusions, but you can't. Because you're only one of two people involved and have no way of knowing what the other person is thinking, if theyre even thinking about it at all. I don't want to have to play a game of, "What does this action mean?" and "How can I read into this thing he said?" I just want to be able to let be what will be, but would appreciate it if it were a little more obvious what that was exactly. ;-)
So that's the life update as is stands now, in all of my glorified weirdness.
In my mental musings:
There's a woman I work with that I feel I've grown very close to that I respect and admire a lot and we were having a conversation about traumatic experiences in my life, and that she thinks that I've had a very serious one that I'm blocking out. Honestly, once I started thinking about it, I can list all of the traumatizing experiences I've had that I'm not repressing, but trying to keep in my past and sometimes, on rare occasion, fear are, or will someday, subconciously drive(ing) me. I mean, everyone has baggage. It doesn't matter who are you. Everyone has had goods and bads that have affected who they become. I'm no different. I just really hope that I am the kind of person that takes the lessons that are needed from these bad experiences and leaves them to be in the past. To the best of my knowledge I am, but I start to wonder how long it will take the drama of this past semester to pack itself away so I don't have to worry about it interfering with my trying to live my life.
But just to be clear, the most recent events of meeting a nice boy and hooking up at the party (and even all of this "OMG! You have a cruuuush!") are not a traumatizing experience. I actually had a lot of fun that night. It was a great night. :-)
