Someone's Waiting for You

From Disney's The Rescuers


Be brave little one.
Make a wish for each sad little tear.
Hold your head up though no one is near,
someone's waiting for you.

Don't cry little one.
There'll be a smile where a frown used to be,
you'll be part of the love that you see.
Someone's waiting for you.

Always keep a little prayer in your pocket
and you're sure to see the light.
Soon there'll be joy and happiness
and your little world will be bright.

Have faith little one
'til your hopes and your wishes come true.
You must try to be brave little one.
Someone's waiting to love you.

VV0O+¡!¡!

And I will dance in the morning
as the twilight fades
and the song to which I'm moving
will be of my own design.
For I hold within me the power to do great things.
The only thing in my way
is myself,
and I'm not letting that stop me anymore.

Everything About Me You Would Ever Need to Know

Date of Birth: August 23, 1986
Favorite color: Blue (Especially Cerulean)
Favorite song: "Standing at the Edge of the Earth" by Blessid Union of Souls
Favorite Band/Singer: Evanescence
Favorite Ice Cream flavor: Pistachio
Favorite food-item: Peanut butter!!!!
Favorite sport to play: Soccer (Indoor moreso than outdoor)
Favorite sport to watch: Figure Skating

Things I am afraid of:
1. Spiders
2. Needles
3. Being a failure
4. Being forgotten
5. Being abandoned by someone I love/care about
6. My possessed cat O:-)

Things I love:
1. Hugs
2. Writing
3. Singing
4. Cuddling
5. Playing
6. Helping other people
7. Doing nice things for others
8. Listening to thunderstorms/the rain
9. Dancing in the rain (when it's raining hard)
10. Just being in the rain (when it' raining hard)
11. Having long, deep one-on-one conversations with people
12. Walking on the beach at night (even though I've only done it once)
13. Playing video games
14. The smell of spring
15. The smell of the rain

Someday I hope to:
1. Fall in love
2. Get married
3. Start a family

I'm in no hurry to:
1. Die
2. Get pregnant

I want to name my children:
Boy: Aiden Ryan
Girl: Aurora Nichole

My dreams:
1. To write a novel and have it become a bestseller (or at least semi-popular)
2. See my name in lights on Broadway
3. To meet Josh Groban, because he's amazing (I wouldn't mind marrying him, either, but I guess that's stretching it a bit O:-I)
4. To make an impact on someone's life

Micellaneous:
1. I have a dream of being kissed outside in the rain during a rainstorm.
2. My dream job at this point of my life is to be a waitress. Yes, I'm serious, I've always wanted to try waitressing. This summer (of 2006), this dream comes true. Yay!!
3. I've not had a real boyfriend for longer than four days. This is almost a lie. My junior year I had a boyfriend for approximately a month. He was about two and a half years younger than
I. I broke up with him because making out with him made me uncomfortable, and after that I swore the relationship was a complete mistake and pretended that it never happened in the first place.
4. I feel my emotions very strongly, I care deeply about the people that I like, I sometimes take things to the extreme, and I can fall for a guy quickly and with my whole heart. This can sometimes make me seem clingy or needy. I do not find my emotional intensity to be a fault, and it's a part of me the world has to accept. If you take it for what it's worth, it's actually one of my most endearing qualities that you would never want to change. The downside to this is that I often get hurt by the people I care about, especially when concerning the male population.
5. I am not a virgin. Yes, I realize that this is shocking to a lot of people. I don't regret the decision I made to give it to the person that I did, and I wouldn't trade or change that night for anything.
6. I get more nervous singing by myself informally to a small group of friends or one friend that I am close to than I do singing by myself formally or informally in front of a large crowd, group of people or one person I'm not so close to, or panel of judges or one judge.
7. I am a band geek to its very defninition. When I'm home from college on breaks I go to school and hang out with the band/play with them. This summer will be my seventh year at band camp: Five as a student, two as a counselor. I walk into ball games with my instrument in my hands and say, "I'm with the band." and the person at the door knows who I am simply by that.
8. I find nothing in my entire person as a human being worth anyone's jealousy.
9. I had braces for 18 months from the ages of 14-15. I still have to wear my retainers at night because I have one tooth in my mouth that constantly shifts out of alignment, and probably will for the rest of my life.
10. I can read tarot cards and do so fairly accurately, but I no longer own my deck or any of the materials that I used to read them.
11. I've been to almost every State Park in Ohio.
12. I live directly across the street from the church I attend, and a block away from the elementary/high school I attended. I never drove myself to school once in my life and only got a ride from my mom when it was thunderstorming.
13. I once managed to fit an entire roll of Bubble Tape bubble gum in my mouth and proceeded to chew it for the rest of the day. (I was sooo young then. It was, like, the third or fourth grade.)
14. I drink occassionally. My favorite alcoholic beverage is a Manhattan and I actually like the taste of straight-up vodka. I generally find it fun to be drunk and I've never had a hangover.
15. Although I can't dictate catholic doctrine backwards and forwards, I am actually a very spiritual person. I've never stopped to really analyze what religion I truly am, because I've found that catholicism has been a wonderful outlet for me spiritually. I did however go through a very brief span of time where I almost considered wanting to become Lutheran.
16. The true enigma of my life is Elliot Mueller. If you ever want to hear me rant on one subject for an hour plus, just ask me about the mystery that is Elliot Mueller and the strange affection I have for him.
17. I've been called a cradle-robber on multiple occasions because I always seem to fall for guys who are younger than me (I do, however, draw my line at anything younger than three and a half years).
18. When I was very young (still a baby), my grandfather (who was very Irish at heart) would rock me to sleep singing "Too rah loo rah loo rah" and would call me "Queenie."
19. Although it's not in any way actually a legal name-change, I have a second name: Jullieanne Lynnette Danger. If you decided to start referring to me in this way, I would respond to it, and I have actually considered at some point trying to legalize it.
20. My favorite restaurant ever is The Outback Steakhouse. In close second is Damon's Bar and Grill (But the one close to me closed down :*-( ).
21. I rarely wear shorts or any other article of clothing that would show off my legs. I don't like my legs and see no reason to let other people see them. Even in the summer I wear pants.
22. One of my greatest achievements is the success I've had in Power of the Pen, a Jr. High writing competition I participated in when I was in Jr. High. Seventh grade I took 1st place at districts, slid through regionals, and took 11th at state. Eighth grade I slid through districts, took 1st place at regionals, and did poorly at state. I still have my trophies, and I miss being active in the Power of the Pen program.
23. The kind of pet I would most like to own: A ferret.
24. I sing in the shower.
25. Voice included, I can play at least 10 musical instruments on a basic level: Voice, flute, baritone, handbells, trumpet, saxophone, clarinet, xylophone, piano, and guitar. The instrument I would most like to learn at the moment is the violin, and I've gotten out notes on an oboe (Thanks to Tori!! ^_^).
26. I miss having blonde hair.
27. I got completely into the Pokemon craze back in the late 90's. I still, on occasion, play Pokemon. I loved the TV show. I own one of the movie soundtracks. One of my favorite N64 games is Pokemon Snap.
28. When I was in kindergarten I tried to give myself a haircut shortly before school picture day. The result was that I had uneven bangs for my picture. The very next year, in first grade, I singed the middle area of my bangs out with a candle shortly before school picture day. The result was that, again, I had very uneven bangs in my picture. By second grade, I started taking normal school pictures, which are all proudly displayed on the wall in my house in Ohio.
29. In my humble opinion, the best roller coaster in the world is the Millenium Force at Cedar Point.
30. When I was in the third grade the thing I "wanted to be when I grew up" was the person at Sea World who got to work with the Killer Whales and the Dolphins. Some people around here have, strangely, never forgotten that.

The Memories

There were so few of them that were so great, but it's the memories that are making it really hard for me to let this go and move on...
I guess I kind of feel betrayed. I put so much trust on the line, and now all I have left are the wonderful memories of a few sleepless nights and it's those memories that are keeping me from getting over him. Usually it's the bad memories that drive me crazy... I've never before now wanted to forget the good memories... I can't live like this. Why is everything hard for me?
He promised that he'd be there for me if this hurt, but it almost seems as though he planned it just right so that he would have no way of keeping that promise. But I can't believe that he'd do that, cause that's just mean...
So I'm stuck here with my memories and he probably doesn't give any of this a second thought... Doesn't even go back to that one night...

-Sigh-
I guess today is just a more difficult day.

*Goes off in search of somebody to hug*

Dream

In a dream

Of holding

Hands

I dreamt

This dream

in foreign

Lands.

This dream

I dreamt

That was

So clear.

This dream

I dreamt

When friends

Appeared.

I dreamt

A dream

As you

Can see.

And in

That dream

Was you

And me.

BUM BUM BUM BUUUUUUMM

-A poem by Alejandro (Alex)

my dearest and best

(little buddy that is :-P)

I hope I don't have to explain this to the public. Alex is a sweet kid. I don't care what anyone else says.

Alejandro, if you're reading this: Keep writing and keep sending me stuff to read. I know you're going to do great things someday. Just believe in yourself as much as I believe in you.

P.S. When are we having our Lost party?????

Lots of luvs, Querido!

-Sigh-

Time to move on again. I should be used to this...

Believing in Someday

Glinting metal underneath the dying moonlight. A cloud overhead that carries another day's mournful rain. Outside of my window I see the twilight, darkening as the thunder rolls in. This is not my life. This girl who sits on my bed, bleeding, is not me.
In the white reflection of the orb in the sky the red is a contrast. Red like passion, red like death. This child, weeping with despair is not alone. She was never alone. Always behind her was a quiet watcher, keeping a close eye on her life, keeping a close hold on her mind. A demon possessor from whom she has never found escape.
He is silent, but I can feel his presence in my mind: stalking me, raping my thoughts, filling my brain with the images I don't want to see. He's trying to convince me that the evil is true and I'll never get away from it. He's trying to tell me that my life is not worth the pain it takes to live it. I shudder. He is not my friend.
Silent hours pass and I can feel my heart beating faster, beating slower. I see images of what once was: bittersweet memories that awaken in me a longing such as I have never felt before. A sleepless night that lingers in my thoughts, though I wish I could forget it as easily as others have. I feel my soul dying slowly, fading away as the dawn approaches. This is the end. There is nothing more beyond this night, there are no more mornings of happiness and warmth, closeness and careless fatigue, waiting for me. A promise of more nights was empty. But, then again, their promises always were empty.
There is nothing left for me so I rise to my feet. Looking into the eyes of the shadow that haunts me I smile, white against the enveloping darkness of the room. I quietly hum to myself, a waltz playing through my mind. I raise my arms to meet an invisible partner and begin to dance, slow but graceful movements. With each step I find in myself a new strength.
Morning will come and I will wake up alone. I know I will face many more mornings like this, but that pain doesn't hurt so much. I can be grateful knowing that in the end I think I'm going to be okay. At least I'll survive until I've achieved whatever it is I came here to do. I cannot see the future, but I will forever dance towards the sunlight with my ghost-partner, my teardrops crytal decorations on my cheek.
It's not the end. The night may be long, but tomorrow the sun will still rise and there might still be a hope that someday it will be my turn to have my dreams come true. No matter how much blood may run or how much hurt I may feel, I just can't stop believing in someday. No matter how far out of my reach it may seem.

The Summer of '99

She was twelve during the summer of 1999. Her 13th birthday, which was to be celebrated on August 23rd, was approaching as each day passed. She was tall for her age, with blonde hair that came down past her shoulders in unkempt clumps. She wasn't fat yet and wore a blue swimsuit with white stripes: a two piece with a halter top that tied at her neck and boy-shorts bottoms. She had longs legs and high hopes for the summer of fun she was faced with.
He had turned 14 that May and had a place in his heart for his young companion. His hair was of a medium-short length and as blonde as the sun that had bleached it. He had a dark summer tan that stood out against his bright red swim trunks. His white teeth glittered in the daylight and his smile was as genuine as they come. His eyes were as blue as the water he spent almost every day of his summer swimming in.
The two were never seen without the other nearby. Every day of the week was spent within the fences of the Delphos swimming pool: racing to the slide, perfecting dives from the platforms in the ten-foot deep water, playing chicken off the diving boards. On days they weren't swimming the two could be found, often flocked by others of their age, riding bicycles through the steaming streets. Him on his red mountain bike and her on her banana-seat purple bicycle with a unicorn on the side that her mother had bought for her at a garage sale.
She wrote him a note once, saying how much she liked him as a friend and he wrote back sweetly saying that he really liked her as a friend, too, and that he was glad to have met her. Whatever concept she had of love at the age of twelve she felt for him, and it was apparent that he truly cared for her. He had left her life once when the previous summer had ended and they went off to their different schools. For nine months she went without seeing him, then one day he appeared on her doorstep with a friend of her brother's. With a huge grin she ran to greet him and from that moment began the summer I write about now.
If something hurt her, he was sure to change it as quickly as it was in his power to do so. He didn't like to see her sad, and would some days go out of his way to make her smile. He had a portable tape player he would carry around, taped to the handlebars of his bike. In it was a tape of the Backstreet Boys album, Millenium, and he would always rewind it so that it played the second song, which he would belt out at the top of his lungs as they rode down the road:

You are... my fire

The one... desire

Believe... when I say

I want it that way

Life was ideal in her preteen eyes and nothing could bar her from the happiness she felt when she was with him. They carved messages at the top of the slide in the park, they would spend hours swinging together, or sometimes just lay in the grass and talk about life.

Then in July terror struck. He announced that his mother was divorcing the man she was currently married to and they were moving to a foreign place that was an hour and a half away. The young girl's hopes fell, and he saw it in her eyes. He promised her that it wouldn't be a big deal and that he'd be back to visit all of the time. He swore that he'd never forget about her.

So summer passed and August came sooner than any of them wanted. The week of his departure was looming and the two of them sat on the two-person swing in her front yard, as they often occupied together. He told her that one of his friends was throwing a goodbye party for him that Friday and that he wanted her to go with him to it. She smiled and was eager, happy that she was the last one he wanted to see before he left Saturday morning. That was Monday.

Time continued and on Tuesday she was roped into spending the day with her mother shopping for new clothes for the school year. She didn't get to see him that day. Wednesday she went to the pool like she always did and was disappointed that she couldn't see his smile among their friends. She shook her head and said to herself, "It's still early. He's just coming later."

She approached them and asked if anyone had seen him and if they knew whether or not he was coming. Then came the words she'll never forget:

"He left yesterday. He was here to say goodbye to everyone. No one knew where you were. You missed him... He's gone."

Her heart broke that day. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. He wasn't supposed to leave until Saturday. He was supposed to say goodbye to her before he left. He promised her he'd come back.

They say he visited again for a week that summer, but she was in Arizona and missed what would have been her last chance to say goodbye to him. Seven years went by and she never saw his face again, not even once to say that one little word which would have taken away so much pain: "Goodbye."

Seven years this summer and I can still smell the chlorine of the swimming pool. I can still see his blue eyes when I close my own and I can still hear his laughter in my head. Seven years of regret and longing, clinging to the hope that our story wasn't finished until the day I at least looked into his eyes for one last time and said goodbye. I haven't given up that hope, but seven years is a long time, and I can't now believe that after so long without hearing anything at all from him that he still remembers me. We aren't even the same people we were back then.

May 5th is his birthday. I think he'll be 21 this year. Maybe that's what's inspired me to write this tonight, knowing that tomorrow he'll be in my thoughts, even though I haven't crossed his in seven years. Maybe this is my way of letting go, or maybe a year from today tears will be shed again. Tears of sadness. Tears of anger. Tears of missing. They burn hot the cheek and make me remember a time when I was innocent and young. I'll never be able to get back the summer of 1999, but the memories will forever live on in my heart and maybe someday the story will have a happy ending. I hope that in all of this time, and all of the time that will pass, he'll find his happy ending, too.

Happy Birthday, Chris Kindle, you've touched my heart and I'll never forget the happiness that you once gave me. "C'ya."

Power

Power is something to be pondered. Not tonight, because I need to go to bed, but I can throw this out:

I am giving him all the power he would ever need to hurt me and trusting that he won't. This can only end two ways: He will break my trust (and my heart) and hurt me, or he won't disappoint me.
The only thing I've got to go on right now is blind faith.

Just thinking about this.