Ah, Young Love
So, I like a guy.
This, in and of itself, is not an uncommon thing for a single girl of my age. The problem is the only time in my life that I pursued a guy and he didn't reject me, he rejected me 3 weeks later, citing my physical appearance as the reason he couldn't be with me. Apparently there's more to it than that, but Lord knows I'm not entitled to that "private" information and I'll just never get closure from the one sort-of relationship I've had in my life. But that's not what this is about. I'm probably about as over that situation as I'm ever going to be, and I accept that there are some wounds that will possibly never heal fully.
I'm writing today, because I am really really interested in a guy that I haven't been able to stop thinking about since the last time I saw him, but I have been rejected so many times, that I just don't know if I have it in me to try again and be disappointed when he says he's not interested in me, like ever other guy I've been interested in has (or that he already has a girlfriend, in which case I would just feel like a dumb-ass).
My plan of action at the moment is to wait, see him a few more times, let more time pass and see if anything sparks, but I can be shy. PAINFULLY shy when it comes to boys, and I feel like every time I need to say something to him that matters, I say something stupid and blow the whole thing and feel more like a dip-shit than a flirtatious Goddess of beauty that every man should want to get his hands on (which I am, and I don't mean that in a boastful way). So it's one of those moments where I don't know whether acting or not acting is the better way to go. I suppose it's always possible that he's interested in me, but afraid to say something just like I am, but, given everything that I've been through, I don't know if I'll ever be able to be interested in a guy and believe that's true. I guess I've always fallen for the misconception that it was easier for guys to pursue a girl they're into, and if he hasn't pursued me yet, he's not going to (understand that I labeled this as a misconception because I realize that it doesn't always stand that way).
He's also probably about 10 years older than me. Which, I'm at an age now where that doesn't matter much to me. If I were 15 and he 25, that would be a different story, but we're both adults, and I truly believe that physical age is not always a reflection of how old someone is. My concern is, in the Fall a friend of mine sent me up with a man who was about 17 years older than me, and I just couldn't do it and had to end it after 3 weeks because I just wasn't into him at all, and part of that was because of the age difference, I think. I realize that 10 years and 17 years can actually make a huge difference in this case, but it doesn't quell that fear that because I, I suppose, technically age-discriminated against the first guy, whose to say this guy isn't going to look at me and think, "Why would I want to go out with someone 10 years younger than me? She's practically a baby!" because in the karmic universe that's what I deserve for rejecting the 40-year-old that I was set up with. It sort of makes me feel like I'm a 7th grader who has a really really big crush on one of the Freshmen guys at my school, knowing he's "too old" to date Jr. High girls.
So I guess the purpose of this is just to ask, what do I do? What does it mean when the girl who always believed that you regret more the things you don't do than the things you do, and the girl who isn't afraid of anything, is so afraid of the pain of another rejection that she doesn't know if she can muster up the courage to say, "Hey, I'm really really interested in you and I'd love to hang out sometime. What do you say?"
This, in and of itself, is not an uncommon thing for a single girl of my age. The problem is the only time in my life that I pursued a guy and he didn't reject me, he rejected me 3 weeks later, citing my physical appearance as the reason he couldn't be with me. Apparently there's more to it than that, but Lord knows I'm not entitled to that "private" information and I'll just never get closure from the one sort-of relationship I've had in my life. But that's not what this is about. I'm probably about as over that situation as I'm ever going to be, and I accept that there are some wounds that will possibly never heal fully.
I'm writing today, because I am really really interested in a guy that I haven't been able to stop thinking about since the last time I saw him, but I have been rejected so many times, that I just don't know if I have it in me to try again and be disappointed when he says he's not interested in me, like ever other guy I've been interested in has (or that he already has a girlfriend, in which case I would just feel like a dumb-ass).
My plan of action at the moment is to wait, see him a few more times, let more time pass and see if anything sparks, but I can be shy. PAINFULLY shy when it comes to boys, and I feel like every time I need to say something to him that matters, I say something stupid and blow the whole thing and feel more like a dip-shit than a flirtatious Goddess of beauty that every man should want to get his hands on (which I am, and I don't mean that in a boastful way). So it's one of those moments where I don't know whether acting or not acting is the better way to go. I suppose it's always possible that he's interested in me, but afraid to say something just like I am, but, given everything that I've been through, I don't know if I'll ever be able to be interested in a guy and believe that's true. I guess I've always fallen for the misconception that it was easier for guys to pursue a girl they're into, and if he hasn't pursued me yet, he's not going to (understand that I labeled this as a misconception because I realize that it doesn't always stand that way).
He's also probably about 10 years older than me. Which, I'm at an age now where that doesn't matter much to me. If I were 15 and he 25, that would be a different story, but we're both adults, and I truly believe that physical age is not always a reflection of how old someone is. My concern is, in the Fall a friend of mine sent me up with a man who was about 17 years older than me, and I just couldn't do it and had to end it after 3 weeks because I just wasn't into him at all, and part of that was because of the age difference, I think. I realize that 10 years and 17 years can actually make a huge difference in this case, but it doesn't quell that fear that because I, I suppose, technically age-discriminated against the first guy, whose to say this guy isn't going to look at me and think, "Why would I want to go out with someone 10 years younger than me? She's practically a baby!" because in the karmic universe that's what I deserve for rejecting the 40-year-old that I was set up with. It sort of makes me feel like I'm a 7th grader who has a really really big crush on one of the Freshmen guys at my school, knowing he's "too old" to date Jr. High girls.
So I guess the purpose of this is just to ask, what do I do? What does it mean when the girl who always believed that you regret more the things you don't do than the things you do, and the girl who isn't afraid of anything, is so afraid of the pain of another rejection that she doesn't know if she can muster up the courage to say, "Hey, I'm really really interested in you and I'd love to hang out sometime. What do you say?"
posted by ~Nightinga£e~ | 10:13 AM
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