Lonliness
If you asked me if I'm okay with being single I'd tell you the truth: Yes. I am totally okay with it. Being single is a fantastic luxury. You can flirt with who you want to flirt with, do what you want when you want to do it... Being single is easy. You've just gotta care about and look out for you. You don't have to put in the extra effort. Everyone you need to love is right there. Am I satisfied being single? I guess I'd have to admit it gets a little gray there.
It's not that I'm unsatisfied being single; Like I said before: It's easy. Sometimes I'm the coolest person I know, so it's nice to be able to fall back on myself. It's not scary to be single, because I know that I'll never let me down. My problem is that I want more. I'm ready for more.
I've been in one "relationship." I asked him out and we went out for about 3 weeks before he changed his mind and broke up with me. In that three weeks I felt that giddy joy of a new-found crush, that feeling of going through my day and spending every moment looking forward to the evening when I'd get to see him and those fleeting seconds when he held me and the entire world seemed to stop and it was just the two of us standing in a rushing swirl of something exciting and mysterious and moving: When everything else fades away except two heartbeats in the universe. I felt that, and I miss feeling that. It was there for a nanosecond, then gone before my eyes opened from their next blink.
The prospect of finding a significant other baffles me at this point. How is it that so many people have run into someone that they were interested in who just happened to be interested back and said, "Hey! Let's make this work!" I feel like inevitably every single time I meet a guy that I'm really really interested in, he's just not. Or he's all about sleeping with me and saying, "That was fun! Goodbye!" And the few guys that claim to be "madly in love" with me, I'm just not interested in, and it makes it hard to accept that it's okay to feel lonely because of that. Because someone somewhere is just going to pop out and say: You could have something. "Here's guy x that's totally into you and you don't want it, so it's your own damn fault if you're lonely."
And those friends wonder why I stop telling them when something is upsetting me.
Is it so wrong of me to so badly want just once to find someone that will choose me over all of the millions upon millions of women in world and have him happen to be the one that I would choose over all of the millions upon millions of men in the world? Has it really come to a point where we have to accept that in this world that's a desire too unrealistic to hope for? And if not, how is it that I happened to fall into such terrible luck all of the time?
Not that it's driving my life into plunging depths of emo anguish, but it would just be really nice if sometime soon I could fall into my own little bit of magic, instead of being stuck trying to forget the magic that got pulled out from under me.
It's not that I'm unsatisfied being single; Like I said before: It's easy. Sometimes I'm the coolest person I know, so it's nice to be able to fall back on myself. It's not scary to be single, because I know that I'll never let me down. My problem is that I want more. I'm ready for more.
I've been in one "relationship." I asked him out and we went out for about 3 weeks before he changed his mind and broke up with me. In that three weeks I felt that giddy joy of a new-found crush, that feeling of going through my day and spending every moment looking forward to the evening when I'd get to see him and those fleeting seconds when he held me and the entire world seemed to stop and it was just the two of us standing in a rushing swirl of something exciting and mysterious and moving: When everything else fades away except two heartbeats in the universe. I felt that, and I miss feeling that. It was there for a nanosecond, then gone before my eyes opened from their next blink.
The prospect of finding a significant other baffles me at this point. How is it that so many people have run into someone that they were interested in who just happened to be interested back and said, "Hey! Let's make this work!" I feel like inevitably every single time I meet a guy that I'm really really interested in, he's just not. Or he's all about sleeping with me and saying, "That was fun! Goodbye!" And the few guys that claim to be "madly in love" with me, I'm just not interested in, and it makes it hard to accept that it's okay to feel lonely because of that. Because someone somewhere is just going to pop out and say: You could have something. "Here's guy x that's totally into you and you don't want it, so it's your own damn fault if you're lonely."
And those friends wonder why I stop telling them when something is upsetting me.
Is it so wrong of me to so badly want just once to find someone that will choose me over all of the millions upon millions of women in world and have him happen to be the one that I would choose over all of the millions upon millions of men in the world? Has it really come to a point where we have to accept that in this world that's a desire too unrealistic to hope for? And if not, how is it that I happened to fall into such terrible luck all of the time?
Not that it's driving my life into plunging depths of emo anguish, but it would just be really nice if sometime soon I could fall into my own little bit of magic, instead of being stuck trying to forget the magic that got pulled out from under me.
posted by ~Nightinga£e~ | 11:11 PM
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