ADD for the Day

So I'm at work trying to find something to do for the next hour and fifteen minutes. I have severe ADD today, and nothing seems to keep my attention. So at the moment I'm stuck staring at Hugh Jackman's face on my desktop (Which is a wonderful thing, mind you), and thinking, which apparently I do too much of.
For the past week I've been on another planet: Completely prone to spacing out and something within me doesn't feel just right and I can't figure out what. It leaves me feeling very unsettled and apt to be an idiot in attempt to find a little bit of balance to regain my senses.
It's like I have this weird feeling that something big is about to happen, and I don't know whether it's good or bad...

*Insert Title Here*

Yay! More poetry. It's been awhile, eh? I wrote this, like, a week ago. I've decided to post it now. Along with a revelation: You know, I think that one of the most horrible things in the world would be to be someone's regret. Yeah. I think that if I found out I was someone's regret, they would be overwhelmingly surprised by my wrath. Yeah. Just saying. Because I'm not that bad. I'm not perfect, but I'm not that bad. And you know, regret is something I think that I could rant on about for awhile, so I'm going to stop now and leave it for a rainy day.
On to the poetry (as always, no criticizing, because it's not my strong point!)!!!


Nothing but the sea before us,
the sunset perched on the horizon.
I saw you standing there,
a rosebud in your hand,
white as a new-fallen snow.
Your hair swept back in the wind,
you turned to face me,
your eyes smiling at my presence.
The sand was shifting beneath my feet
and I moved closer to where you stood.
My heart beat faster as you greeted me,
my happiness was plain on my face.
You wrote a sonnet in the shoreline,
but the tide took it away.
I reached out to touch your shoulder,
but at contact your image faded
leaving nothing behind but a clean white rosebud
on the ground at my feet.
The smell of the ocean filled my nostrils
and I stood there waiting,
knowing that you'd soon return.
Here I stand today on the shoreline,
the sunset perched on the horizon,
nothing but the sea before me,
my hair swept back in the wind.
I hold in my hand a single white rosebud
and a smile in my eyes for your heart.
What are you waiting for?

Being Stupid

As much as I hate stupid people, I become one this weekend and I didn't like it one bit. Trying to drown away everything that's been bugging me, I let stupid people get to me, and was stupid just to spite them, thinking somewhere in my mind that by making a complete idiot of myself I was somehow getting back at them.
I've been living more and more lately without regrets, and I don't regret this at all, but I feel bad, because I know that people who care about me were upset with me being stupid. Especially after I had promised that I wasn't going to be stupid. At least it's something I know I won't do again.
So... I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm really sorry for being stupid. I could think of this brilliant and eloquent apology speech, but sometimes it means more to just come right out and ask forgiveness.
Again, I'm sorry for being so stupid.

A Reflection on Self-Reflection

As human beings we have been given an extraoridnary gift, the gift of self reflection: the ability to learn from our mistakes. It is through error and humility that we keep ourselves from becoming the people that we know we would hate.
The saddest thing about this world we live in, is that some people don't know humility. They become arrogant and self-centered, hiding under the disguise of "self-assurance". They say, "I'm not egotistical, I have a good self-esteem." These people can justify treating others horribly by saying, "I've done nothing wrong, and that person deserved what they got." These people become heartless and self-involved, eventually caring for nothing outside of themselves, and at the end of life's journey, they stupidly wonder why in retrospect they are not happy.
There's an old saying, "Nice guys finish last." In today's day and age, it's terrible how true of a statement this really is. In general, being nice isn't going to win over peoples' affection. Generosity is a lost caused. So why even bother concerning yourself with caring for other people?
Without humility we would become a race of beings lost in ourselves. Every single one of us would "look out for number 1" and we, as a population, would cease to exist. Without humility there would be no love. Without self reflection, we would become the heathens of our nightmares, that side of us whose exitence we fear. Without kindness or generosity, we would be no more than a pack of wolves, fighting constantly for survival.
What kind of person are you? Would you lay down something more valuable to you than your life for a friend? If the choice stood between hurting yourself a little to take away a bit of the pain that someone felt, or emerging from a situation completely unscathed by turning and pushing all of the blame and crushing fault upon that person, would you sacrifice your honor to relieve them?
We can live in two ways in life: with cowardice or with courage. So often we find the first of the two disguised as the second. We justify ourselves in our minds at times when we prove to be nothing more than spineless jellyfish, and say, "I stood up to my challenge. I'm no coward." But the greatest challenge we face in life is ourselves, and without the ability to reflect upon the flaws in our character, we become nothing more than frightened dogs cowering in the shadows.
To adopt self-reflection is not to be depressed or negative, it is to have gained the ability to better ourselves when the rest of the world abandoned us. The only way to judge who we are and who we will become is to look at ourselves through our own eyes, and look past what is right on the suface, to what is scarred beneath.
No one of us is without fault. It makes me sad to know that there are people out there who think that they are without fault at all times of their life. These people would sacrifice everything they've held dear outside of them to prove that they were right in any given situation. Wouldn't that make you, sad, too? To know that some people would brush you off just so that they never had to feel guilt?

Somewhere

by Within Temptation

Lost in the darkness, hoping for a sign.
Instead there is only silence,
can't you hear my screams?
Never stop hoping,
Need to know where you are,
but one thing is for sure,
you're always in my heart.

Chorus:
I'll find you somewhere.
I'll keep on trying until my dying day.
I just need to know whatever has happened,
the truth will free my soul.

Lost in the darkness, try to find your way home.
I want to embrace you and never let you go.
Almost hope you're in heaven so no one can hurt your soul.
Living in agony cause I just do not know
where you are.

Chorus:
I'll find you somewhere.
I'll keep on trying until my dying day.
I just need to know whatever has happened,
the truth will free my soul.

Wherever you are, I won't stop searching.
Whatever it takes, I need to know.

Chorus:
I'll find you somewhere.
I'll keep on trying until my dying day.
I just need to know whatever has happened,
the truth will free my soul.

You're So Vain

by Carly Simon

(Son of a gun)

You walked into the party
Like you were walking onto a yacht
Your hat strategically dipped below one eye
Your scarf it was apricot
You had one eye in the mirror
As you watched yourself gavotte

And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner
They'd be your partner, and...

You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you
You're so vain, I bet you think this song is about you
Don't you, don't you?

You had me several years ago
When I was still quite naive.
Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair
And that you would never leave
But you gave away the things you loved
And one of them was me.

I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and...

You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you
You're so vain, I bet you think this song is about you
Don't you, don't you?

I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and...

You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you
You're so vain, I bet you think this song is about you
Don't you, don't you?

Well, I hear you went up to Saratoga
And your horse naturally won.
Then you flew your Lear jet up to Nova Scotia
To see the total eclipse of the sun.
Well, you're where you should be all the time
And when you're not you're with some underworld spy
Or the wife of a close friend
Wife of a close friend...

You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you
You're so vain, I bet you think this song is about you
Don't you, don't you?

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
(Fades out)


Caroline had me look up this song today. It's really catchy, and you know me. I'm always happy to share the lyrics to songs that I like. :-)

Way Back When

When we were little, my brother and I used to fight constantly, and when the two of us hit teenagerdom it only seemed to get worse. At least once a week we would get in this crazy shouting match that would leave me upstairs in my bed crying my eyes out. One of these fights, when I was about seven or eight, ended with me getting a piece of pencil lead jammed into my arm when I was thrown onto the couch where a pencil had been sticking out from between the cushions.
Jake went away to college, and things actually got better. When he'd come home on the weekends we were able to have in-depth conversations without ripping each other's heads off, so long as we stayed away from subjects we both knew full-well we'd butt heads over.
In retrospect, there was a tragic flaw in every situation that caused it to spiral so out of hand: The need to always be right. In his mind something I said that didn't coincide with what he thought, was automatically wrong and needed to be corrected, and the same vice versa. If I was willing to bend my opinion, or vice versa, it became a sparring match to see who could get the last jab and therefore "win" the fight.
Arguments of this nature are silly. If two people are fighting, it's no one person's fault. You can't twist it in your head to justify that one party did eveything wrong and therefore deserved to be squashed like an ant on the sidewalk, and if you do, there's really something wrong with the way your logic works. It takes two sides to fight a war, and you can't have a fire without both flame and oxygen. There's no way that something going wrong between two people can be solely one person's fault. To try and convince yourself that you are the better of two people in an argument because none of what's happening is happening because of something you did is just to delusion yourself from life so that you don't have to feel the guilt of hurting another human being's feelings. I don't understand how someone could be so innately malicious as to always just shift the blame to the nearest party outside of him- or herself.
Thankfully I've learned these things now, and after about an averaged 17 years of "duking it out", my brother and I don't have a reason to fight. It's all a matter of growing up, and some people are more inclined to do so than others, and sadly some people will always live under the delusion that in any given circumstance they are always right and that there is no room for error in their logic or actions.
The only thing I have to do now is figure out how to not let those people that always need to be right and never take credit for the wrongs they commit get to me so easily. We all say horrible things when we are angry with each other. A brother's love is one of the strongest and most sacred bonds in the world, and I took that for granted for almost 17 years of my life because the competetive drive within me urged me to be the "winner" of every onslaught. All the years I have missed because it was easier to see his own fault in an instance than mine, and still to this day if certain people hit me just right I'm inclined to become that inherently horrible creature that wasted so many precious years with another human being whom I love very much.
In the end it becomes a simple matter that we all have to face eventually: When is it time to just grow up?

Ranting, Truth, and an Apology

When I was a sophomore in highschool my best friend basically told me that I if I didn't kill myself, she'd do it for me. My best friend.
In highschool, I spent pretty much every day unnoticed by a vast majority of the school and thought very seriously that if I were to kill myself, maybe about ten people in the student body would notice that I wasn't at school the next morning. No one ever really seemed all too ready to persuade me to think otherwise. In fact, I think I can distinctly remember saying one day in the band room, "Fine, I'll just go home and kill myself" and having Elliot respond by saying, "Have fun."
People wonder why when I write in my blog it's negative and depressing... What am I supposed to write about? How wonderful my highschool days were? How my life is falling exactly into place the way that it's supposed to? How wonderful life is and how great it feels to sit out in the sunshine?
I don't understand how so many people can look at me and see and understand that I'm a great person, but other people seem to just focus on every flaw within me and then turn around and accuse me of being negative. And why does the second person's opinion seem to matter more to me than the other peoples'? I don't pretend to be perfect, but I've become what could be defined as more than a great person. I've worked hard to make sure that I don't become someone that everyone would hate and revile for her arrogance and need to always be right. I've done a lot of good with myself, with my talents, and with my life, but some people can only find it in their hearts to criticize me for my moments of weakness and despair instead of giving me credit for the things inside of me that are worth holding on to.
I've been at sorts with a friend of mine who has basically told me that we can't be friends anymore. After he criticized me for reading in between the lines when he'd say and do things, he read behind every sincere thing I've said and found fault in it, saying that it was bitter, contemptuous, negative and depressing. That I was hung up on him and placing false blame on him and that my inability to "get over him" was making him uncomfortable.
In truth, after he said that things couldn't work out between us, I cried, and then moved on to other things that might have better outcomes. But according to him I've been brooding this entire time and trying to guilt trip him into wanting me back. Implied that I spend long hours fawning and admiring over him. Should I be flattered that he's giving me credit for being manipulative? So according to him he hasn't done a single thing wrong, and the reason this is turning out so badly is solely my fault. He's a martyr who tolerated my behavior for long enough and now he's done. Sign him up for sainthood.
Since he seems to think that he's the star of my blog, I'll give him a name: Xander. Blunt enough for you, Bud? Do you really want to be in every entry? Because I can take care of that for you.
So if I really wanted to be mean, I could go through now and, after thinking thoroughly, list all the ways that the blame for this all should be split, or better yet, all of the ways that this could solely be his fault. But who do I become in pointing fingers like he does? Exactly the same.
He's a martyr for "tolerating" my shit until it was his breaking point, so what does that make me for overlooking the faults that are in him and accepting him for the good things that I saw in his character? What does that make me for defending him when my friends all told me that he was an asshole and that I shouldn't even start anything because it will end badly? What does that make me for caring about another human being, apparently too intensely?
According to him, it makes me a creepy, clingy, needy stalker who has completely blown what could have been a great friendship completely by my own fault.
Did I paraphrase that right, Xander?


So here's some truth, so that we can just get it out of the way without needing to read between the lines, and any time you see references you're unsure about, now you'll know:
The subject of most of my "unrequited love" blog entries? --- Elliot Mueller
The unconquerable obsession of the past year and a half? --- Elliot Mueller
The boy that I've decided I love? --- Elliot Mueller
The boy I want who doesn't want me back? --- Elliot Mueller
The source of my abandonment issues? --- Chris Kindle
The source of my depression and negetivity? --- Myself and my inability to see the good inside of me
The reason Xander and I can't be friends? --- Myself, and all of the wrong that is within me, the fact that I am emotionally intense, the fact that I have a low self-esteem, and the fact that the world hasn't been "sunshine and rainbows" for me
The total number of blog entries that have something about Xander in them? --- 6, maybe 7, stretching it at 8, out of... How many blog entries have I written again?


Should I be apologizing for feeling what I feel and not being a heartless, soulless, emotionless drone? Should I be apologizing for wanting to hold on to what good I can find in my life?
Well, Xander, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being bitter and contemptuous. I'm sorry for ruining things so horribly. I'm sorry that the only things you can see in me are the bad, and I'm sorry that those bad things exist within me. I'm sorry for acting like a baby, and I'm sorry that I called you a jerk. I'm sorry that this is all my fault and I'm sorry that I put you through such torment. I'm sorry for all the ways that I have already wronged you, and all of the ways I'll probably wrong you in the future.
Thank you for "putting up" with me and thank you for finally pointing out my flaws before they could make things even worse (if that's possible), and thank you for the chance that you did give me.
I can say honestly, that if you just stuck it out you'll find that I'm really not this way and that there is a lot of good in me, but I have a sinking feeling that you wouldn't believe me. So I guess it rests with you to decide what happens, and that this probably really is our farewell.
If you remember anything about this whole incident, please at least remember that I apologized, and did so sincerely and with my entire heart.

Me Against the World

Did you know that it's my fault that there's hunger in the world? Because of the fact that my name is Heather Schuck and I live in America and eat food when I'm hungry, there are starving kids in Africa that would kill to eat Nick's face. Because of me there are terrorists. There is such an evil that radiates from my soul that people all the way across the globe feel the need to kill innocents to make a point. It's my innate maliciousness that causes them to be terrible. Because of me there are earthquakes. The only explanation I can give for that is I jump to high when I'm skipping rope. The sheer bulk of me causes seismic activity along the earth's tectonic plates. Because of me birds can't swim and fish can't fly. It's my fault that the dinasaurs and dodo birds are extinct and it's my fault that the bald eagle is an endangered species. In fact, it's my fault that the national bird of the U.S. is the Bald Eagle and not the Turkey, like Benjamin Franklin proposed it should be. It's my fault that young children die of cancer and people's brains blow up. Because of me the Titanic sank, the Exon Valdese sank, and water sources are polluted.
It's my fault that people have mental diseases and rare eye conditions that there are no cure for. It's my fault that Eve ate the apple in Eden and it's definitely my fault that Cain killed Abel. Because of me poor children cry themselves to sleep at night because they're cold, hungry and homeless. It's because of me that the rich keep getting richer and the poor keep getting poorer. And you remeber 9/11? That was all me.
So the next time you stub your toe on the sidewalk or are scorned by your lover, don't get sad: Just blame me! Because it's all my fault.

Why Do We Watch the Fireworks?

July fourth marks the day of our independence. We have cookouts and parties, people get drunk, and at the end of the night we all gather together and go to watch the fireworks.
In Delphos we go to the Stadium Park. On the tennis court is a giant white tent and tables and coolers: The Beer Tent. Here bands and DJs come to fill the silence with music. Everyone gathers here, like a flock of sheep being herded to graze.
Imagine what this is like to a child. The child sits in her stroller and gazes around the crowd of people rushing about. Hundreds of colors blurring in a busy bustle before her blue eyes. Such a wonderful world it is that delivers this entertainment.
To one like me, there is no bright blur of colors, but a hundred peoples' faces, each one looking like someone I know and about 83% of them actually being so. There was a time once when I would come here with my friends, oblivious of the crowd, and we would walk to the bleachers between baseball diamonds 2 and 3 and sit there to watch the display that was soon to come.
Those friends are gone now, and now I attend this event with my family. A field stretches out in front of us, scattered by families and others with lawn chairs set up. Families who have brought their children to enjoy the show, lovers who have come to spend a romantic evening with the one they like best, friends who cling to each other in tight groups. I watch them all from where I stand on the sidewalk, moving from one face to another with my eyes. The band plays a slow song in the background.
Then the fireworks begin. Colored sparks bud into flowers in the sky, the smoke of the rockets creating a foggy haze around the park. With each burst of powder I become more distant from who and where I am. I become more cognizant of the people around me, what they have and what I don't. In the twilight I reach for a hand to hold, but then remember that no one is there. Only one year I had someone to watch the fireworks with. As the sky lights up, looking around I see faces I know, but the people I see are not the people that are there, because those people are too far away from me, too far gone from my life.
So the question remains: Why to we watch the fireworks? What is it about sparkling roses and iridescent willow trees, sparkling fountains, that cause an entire town to gather in one area and stare at the sky.
We look to the sky to pray for the ones we love. We look to the sky to become lost in the smoky haze. We look to the sky to find our dreams, a hand to hold in the darkness. I watch the fireworks because I still hold in my heart the hope that one day I will be standing there in the arms of my own true love, with our own family, and when I reach into the darkness, a hand will meet mine halfway.

Right Here

by Staind

I know I’ve been mistaken
But just give me a break
And see the changes that I’ve made
I’ve got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all
And throw them in my face

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say
To keep me right here waiting
If you chose to walk away
I’d still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say
To keep you right here waiting

I hope you’re not intending
To be so condescending
It’s as much as I can take
And you’re so independent
You just refuse to bend
So I keep bending till I break

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say
To keep me right here waiting
If you chose to walk away
I’d still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say
To keep you right here waiting

I’ve made a commitment
I’m willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you
Can’t you just forgive me
I don’t want to relive all the mistakes
I’ve made along the way

But I always find a way
To keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say
To keep you right here waiting

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
We always find the words to say
To keep me right here waiting
If I chose to walk away
Would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say
To keep me right here waiting