Here Comes the Sun

Yay!! Blue skies and sunshine for the latter half of today!! Which is exactly what I needed after the first-half-of-a-day that I had.
I have enough emotional sanity to control myself, so I need to take advantage of it.
I am a good person. I have no reason to not stay happy. Things are exactly as they need to be right now. Including the silly crush on a boy, because I've come to realize a few things about its nature, and a part of it boils down to the fact that it's always friendship first. If something is meant to happen beyond that, it will, and if it's not, it won't.
I need to take note of today, so that the next time I feel like I'm drowning I can read this post and remember why I'm just fine and everything is just fine.
There's still fear that pulls very strongly at me, but you'll have that.
You now, it's easy to be sad: to just let things melt away and give yourself excuses to sink deeper into your despair. Sometimes you have to work for happiness, but doesn't that just make the bliss of it that much sweeter?
Here's a toast to the hope that springtime brings. The trick to winter, I guess, is remembering that the sun eventually will come out again, and spring will follow in time.

A Long, Cold Winter

I've decided that winter isn't a good season for me. If life as an analogy is a bunch of us swimming in the ocean, vainly attempting to keep our heads above the water, winter is definitely the time that I am most at risk of drowning.
Something about the spring makes me very happy. It's a good season. I feel like it's easier to believe in important things (like myself) in the springtime. Everything seems clearer in my mind and soul. I feel like my daunting fears have less of a grip on my heart.
But now?
I feel like I'm becoming a bad person. I feel like all of the good things that I've always been and was happy to be are oozing out my ears and transforming me into this horrible beast of a person. It's getting harder for me to see my wings. I feel selfish and unkempt, moody and depressing. I feel boring, like the novelty of me has worn off on myself instead of the people around me (although I imagine half of them are fairly sick of me at the moment anyway, what with my frequent bouts of moodiness that I can't seem to explain).
I feel a lot of things that I can't say out loud for fear of someone hearing and everything changing for the worse. I felt special, and now I feel like the ones who made me feel special are taking the small attentions and flirtations and giving them to someone else, making that person special and me... Well, not. And I feel like a horrible person for complaining about it, because it's such a silly thing to raise a voice about.
I was doing really well in just being good with things. I've been happy and had really good reason to be. But now the fear is starting to pull, and it's pulling harder than it ever has before. I've worked on building a solid, sturdy bridge that I could stand on without being afraid, and now my instincts are screaming for me to constantly look over my shoulder and watch for the inevitable collapse. It's been a very long winter...
Is it wrong for me to be selfish? I don't want this bridge to fall out from under me. I like where I am and the people I'm here with. I'm afraid that I'm going to want more (or rather in some aspects already do), and everything will fall to pieces because I tried to build too high and too far and it was just too much to hold up. It's a flaw in me, I guess. It's not enough to reach the clouds, I have to touch the sky. If I'm Icarus, how close is too close to the sun, and when will my wax wings melt?
It felt good to get some of that out. I try to tell myself that this is just another turning of the wheel. For every summer there is a winter, for every confidence a fear that eventually has to have its say. I suppose that's what makes us human. That turning and returning of things. The balance between the good and the not so good, the things that are easy and the things that are hard.
There's also a boy (as if that's news to anyone who knows me), but his name I'll keep in my notebooks and scribblings. I have enough to deal with without "love" trying to sneak its way in.
I hope that winter ends soon. Every day that passes it gets a little harder to stay strong: to keep smiling for the people I know rely on my good moods to keep from going insane themselves (there has to be one or two). Seeing the people I care about happy really is the most important thing to me. I'd endure a thousand hurts if it meant that they would get to smile. Maybe that's why the winter has such an effect on me: It's very hard to keep a smile on your face when you don't see the sun for three month. When it's negative 25 it's hard to keep your heart from growing a little bit colder.

So She Dances

"A waltz when she walks in the room
She pulls back the hair from her face
She turns to the window to sway in the moonlight,
Even her shadow has grace.

A waltz for the girl out of reach
She lifts her hands up to the sky
She moves with the music
The song is her lover
The melody's making her cry.

So she dances
In and out of the crowd like a glance.
This romance is
from afar calling me silently.

A waltz for the chance I should take
But how will I know where to start?
She's spinning between constellations and dreams
Her rhythm is my beating heart.

So she dances
In and out of the crowd like a glance.
This romance is
from afar calling me silently.

I can't keep on watching forever.
I'd give up this view just to tell her.

When I close my eyes I can see
The spotlights are bright on you and me.
We've got the floor
And you're in my arm.
How could I ask for more?

So she dances
In and out of the crowd like a glance.
This romance is
from afar calling me silently.

I can't keep on watching forever
And I'm givin' up this view just to tell her."



*Sighs*
Basically, this is one of the reasons I love Josh Groban. :-)
*Runs off to put deep-conditioner on her poor, poor hair*