They Told Me

They told me to stop focusing my attention on you. They told me that I was possessed by a blind obsession and that you could never be interested in me in turn. They told me all of the things I've done wrong and they showed me all the ways I will mess up in the future. They told me I'd never be good enough to earn the kind of love seen and movies and read about in books. They told me I was worthless, amounting to no more than the gravel beneath their shoes. They told me I am ugly, and that is why you don't see me. They told me I will amount to nothing and achieve nothing and die alone and forgotten. They told me I was a fool to smile at the sun and cherish the warmth on my back. They told me I should give up on my childish dreams and set out to achieve success and nothing more or less. They told me dreams were for losers.

I told them to shove it up their asses.

Just Another Day

Looking out my window, listening to the birds sing, a lullaby coursing through my mind. Sleep is the unobtainable diamond, love unknown to my heart. Lost in something bigger than myself I struggle to keep my head above the water, wishing for something I can't have in more ways than one, dreaming of dreams that were never mine to begin with, that will never be mine so long as my lungs emit breath.
Quietly contemplating the tangibility of my lonliness I focus on distraction. If I pretend that today is just another day: no tags, no expectations, I'll be okay. It when my mind is alone with my heart that the emptiness settles in, tears biting at the back of my eyelids.
Through a headache of angst I imagine life in which things are different: Fatigue doesn't stretch its grasping hand over my soul and the path in front of me is clear. I'll be there someday, but not today.
So for now I'll close my eyes and bite back my sorrow and try with everything inside of me to remember that today is jut another day.
Just another day...

He Doesn't See Me

When he passes me by
He's a ray of light
Like the first drop of sun
From the sky
And I know he's a king
Who deserves a queen
But I'm not a queen
And he doesn't see me

When he dances
He moves me to a smile
And I see everything
Near him shine
There's a grace in his ways
That I can't contain
I haven't that grace
Oh, I haven't that grace

And the closer he gets
I can't help but hide
So ashamed
Of my body and voice
There are boundaries
We pass in spite of the war
But our own
We can't seem to cross

She has a way that surrounds her
So delicate
With a glory that reigns in her life
She is also so much that she is not
These things I can't see
'Cause he doesn't see me
Oh-oh-oh ...
And he doesn't see me

There are things we can change
If we just choose to fight
But the walls of injustice are high

When he passes me by
He's a ray of light
Like the first drop of sun
From the sky
And I know he's a king
Who deserves a queen
Someone other than me
So different from me

Oh-oh-oh ...
He doesn't see me
Oh-oh-oh ...
He doesn't see me
He doesn't see me

Lost... Alone.. Broken...

The pathway is dark. I've chosen to fight a battle I can't win and the result is that I'm deeper in the trenches and forests of confusion and denial than I've ever been before. All around me the shadows of monsters loom, bigger than myself, threatening the life I cling to. My lantern has gone out and the snow has caused the wick to become too wet to light again. I am lost... Who will come find me?

The shadows of my mind dance around on the empty walls of a lonely dorm room. A guitar... A keyboard... A notebook of stories and doodles... These are the friends that keep me company tonight. A cold wind blows in through the window, chilling my hands until I can't feel my fingers anymore, can't feel my soul anymore, can't feel my heart beating in my chest. I am alone... Who will keep me company?

The wound has healed, the scar set, but I can't feel anymore. The switch doesn't work and a layer of dust forms over my unused heart. It's lost its voice, it's beauty, its ability to love and trust. Cut off from the world by a thick sheet of diamond ice. There is no warmth inside, no patch that can mend this tear. The wound heals, but the hurt remains, the rift left unmended. I am broken... Who will fix me?

In the quiet of the night, searching for a song to sing... Who will write me a new melody?

Someone to Pass the Time With

Looming ahead of me is a strange shadow, darkest of all those I've faced in my past and it's name alone brings joy or sorrow to the hearts of all: Valentine's Day.
A holiday designed to make single females (and those males who are man enough to admit that being single and alone gets them down) feel bad about themselves. I'm suprised that Valentine's Day doesn't hold some sort of percentage record for day with most suicides, because lonliness is hard enough to handle, let alone having an entire 24 hours of life revolving around couples and how empty life is if you don't have a soul mate in your life.
Sometimes I think I'm really old, but when I really put in perspective I'm too young to worry about being single forever and dying alone, but it's thoughts such as these that make themselves most prominent on Valentine's Day. It's too soon for me to be worrying about whether or not I'm going to find my "soul mate" in life, but while I'm waiting for the special person to come around, it would be nice to have someone to pass the time with. Every relationship in life doesn't have to be "the first and last," but if you're lucky enough to get it right on the first try, that's great, too.
Even though I'm experiencing some rough terrain in my life right now, it's safe to say that I've reached a comfortable level and, for the moment, I'm kind of happy (Of course I had a little help from the fleeting hours of yesterday that brought me a lot of joy). It pains me to think that in three days I'm going to be moping arond my dorm with a handful of other miserable people who believe that February 14th is the worst day of their entire lives.
I'm sort of sick of confining myself to the prison of being single. It's occured to me (granted through some long ago advice from a friend) that if I want to change something I have to go forward and make it happen, otherwise I'll always remain stagnant: Never growing, never learning. For me it's getting past my shyness that always inhibits me from finding my own happiness in life.
So maybe I'll make Valentine's Day a little different this year and instead of letting it push me down I'll fight back with a little vigor of my own. If you're reading this, and find some sense in my silly ramblings, don't let February 14th beat you! If you feel what I feel, it means that you're not really alone on Valentine's Day, because you at least have a connection with me, even if it's only through empathy.
Like I said, right now I only wish I had someone to pass the time with, and if he ends up being my soul mate, I'm sure I wouldn't protest all that much. ^_~

A Brother's Love

**Author's Note**
So... My brother celebrated his 21st birthday yesterday and the poem that follows is the poem I wrote him and put inside the card I made him. Happy Birthday, Jake!!! I hope it was a fun one! ^_~ P.S. No criticizing my poetry skills!!! I've already warned you in multiple previous posts that it's definitely not my strong point!!

When the world is so big
and a girl is so small,
she looks to someone
to make sense of it all.

And deep down she knows,
as sure as the sky,
he'll always be there
with a smile in his eyes.

He offers her answer
and a shoulder to cry on.
She knows in her heart he's
someone to rely on.

They play their fun games
and count all the stars.
They bond over milk
and a few candy bars.

Sometimes they fight,
but when things aren't clear,
she turns to find him
and knows he'll be near.

In the grand wonders
below and above,
the greatest of all
is a brother's love.

The Sparrow's Wisdom

Upon the emerald grass sat a golden haired beauty in a snow white gown that flowed about her body like watery silk. The sapphire sky held clear above as she clutched in her pale hand a silk-like rose, a trickle of ruby blood dripping down the flower's stem from a pierce in her finger wrought by the blossom's vicious bite. Tears fell like small diamonds from her eyes as she stared at the ground before her.
A small sparrow flew through the cloudless sky and alighted on a small bush near her, cocking its head to the side, wondering why such a beautiful princess would be crying in the meadow.
"Whatever is the matter?" it questioned in its sing-song voice, awaiting an answer from the poor girl.
"He's gone... He left me... No explanation... Nothing... He just... hates me..." the young woman replied, her voice interrupted by spasms of hard sobs.
Flying from the bush to the grass before the maiden, the sparrow emitted a sympathetic chirp.
"All these tears for a boy?" it asked in return.
"Not just any boy," she answered, her thoughts clear now as she confided in the small. "He was my friend... or so he said... He was my dearest male friend in all I've ever known..."
Her voice went soft again as a new flood of tears cascaded down her blushing cheeks.
"There, there, it's not so bad," the sparrow offered kindly. "Creatures come and go in our lives whether we want them to or not, for good reasons, for reasons no one knows and sometimes for no reasons at all. To waste your tears on one boy who has left you seems quite a but much, doesn't it?"
The young woman looked at the bird, her eyes in half-disbelief of what the creature was saying.
"Now I know you don't want to hear it," the sparrow continued, "but isn't it the truth?"
Biting her lip, the princess gave a weak nod, her tears subsiding slightly.
"Nurse your wounds, let it out, then move on. There's no use dwelling," the sparrow advised further. "Let him go and see where life decides to take the two of you. Maybe if you loosen your hold, he'll come back on his own, and if he doesn't, he wasn't really worth having as a friend, was he?"
At this the princess began to cry again, but thanked the sparrow by reaching out with her gentle hand and stroking the creature's downy breast.
"Thank you for your time, little sparrow," she cooed, her voice soft and radient, like a gentle shower of rain upon the leaves. "You're right, of course... I just wish it weren't so hard and that it didn't hurt so much..."
"We all must face trials in our lives, but it's through facing our fears that we learn to be brave. This is what wisdom I impart to you, sweet princess: Life presents us with certain changes that are unavoidable, but we must take them with stride and trust that the hope of the future promises so much more than the few things we lose along the way."

Tribute

Through harshest winter
your weary heart has come;
searching for a friend,
searching for a home.

Dry your eyes
dear friend of mine:
the time has come
to watch you fly.

You have the strength
for all you must do,
and when you're weak,
I'll carry you.

You call out in vain
for a world that's fair,
I cannot give much,
but I'll always be there.

And when you think
the night is long
I'll come to your side
and sing a sweet song.

I'll never abandon
the you that I know
and when the time comes
together we'll grow.

Friends to the end
in all that we do,
your soul is my soul
and this tribute's for you.

So when you're alone
and can't find the way
I'll bring you my light
and help you each day.

Missing What was Never There

Through a thousand stories across a thousand lifetimes as a thousand different and unique characters I've written a thousand love letters, and as I think of you, my words fail me. Now I'm sending this confession to the black hole of the internet where I'm sure you'll never read it, even though there's a part of me that somehow believes it could somehow make an impact on your heart, stoic and casual as it is.
You were never mine and the dreams I've had in which you were have only ever been just that: dreams. So logic asks me how now it's possible for me to miss what was never there. You are the Holy Grail of my life. I can't quite reach and know deep down that you're just a ficticious image in my head, literally unobtainable. You're not the person my blind heart tries to convince me you are. At times you're not even the person you were just yesterday.
So now I gaze out my window at the pale gray sky of winter and wonder why my heart is so empty now that I'm away from you. What is there about you that I can miss? Regretfully, we weren't close enough for me to be torn by leaving you. The kindnesses you've shown me are only small marks on the span of our relationship, not enough to evoke any strong emotion from me, yet you're always there on my mind.
I don't know what love is, but some days they tell me that they think I'm in love with you. It can't be possible. So I'll be here, missing you and if you're reading this, know that I will always hold you in the highest regard. Even the days that I just want to strangle you because of the mean thing you've said or done to me. Rambling put aside, I'll see you when I come home, and you better be there, waiting for me with your careless smile and unreadable eyes.
With all the love in my heart,
~Heather~